Save this story Save Story Save this story This is Expert Habits , a regular column in which thinkers, leaders, and other high performers talk about the habits and routines that help them live a better life.
If you’ve heard the stat that loneliness is as dangerous to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, you’ve heard of Julianne Holt-Lunstad's work. A distinguished professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University, Holt-Lunstad has spent her career proving what most of us feel intuitively but rarely act on: that our relationships are not just a nice-to-have, but one of the biggest levers we have over how long —and how well—we live. In addition to being a professor, Holt-Lunstad advises the World Health Organization , and is the co-founder of the Foundation for Social Connection and The Connection Institute.
1905-17 00991905-17 Julianne Holt-Lunstad LabMay 8, 2019Photography by Nate Edwards/BYU© BYU PHOTO 2019All Rights Reservedphoto@byu.edu (801)422-7322
Her focus is especially relevant as loneliness remains a prevalent problem in the US. A new study shows that 40% of Americans report moderate to severe loneliness. The good news is that Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analyses have found that measuring people's positive social connection—the breadth of their social network, whether they have someone to confide in, how satisfied they feel in their relationships—predicted a sense of feeling alive even more powerfully than measuring the negative effects of the absence of connection. Social connection was associated with a 50% increase in prolonged life whereas isolation, on the other hand, was linked to a 32% increased risk of mortality, and loneliness to a 14% increase. She says it’s important to recognize, “not only the dangers when [relationships] are absent or poor quality, but also looking at the incredible effects and benefits they bring."
Holt-Lunstad herself practices what she preaches (and researches) in her own daily life. We spoke with the professor about how she fills her calendar with intentional moments of connection, defaults to inconvenient choices for the sake of face time, and gives with no expectations.
Julianne Holt-Lunstad: “One of the things that I try to do is nurture the relationships across different aspects of my life. We can think about different circles of our social lives: our really close relationships with family and close friends, and then the broader friends and acquaintances, and then there’s neighbors, coworkers and things like that. Because we know that consistency is important, I have tried to establish routines. I have a group of friends that we get together once a month, and we schedule out the whole year and we have it on the calendar, and so [our gatherings] always happen.
“I have two boys that are now grown, and we try to do it more frequently, but we have scheduled weekly calls so that I’m always knowing what’s happening. On my way to work, I have a commute, and every single time I use that to either call one of my sisters or one of my friends. I always check in. It’s a nice time because it’s quiet, and it’s just dedicated time that we can catch up.
“Sadly, my parents passed away a couple of years ago, but before they passed away, every night when I would make dinner, I would call them while I was making dinner. I would talk to them every single day and knew what was going on. And in fact, when they passed away, it was kind of weird because I didn’t know what to do with myself when I was making dinner. I was always used to having this conversation.”
“Whenever I’m thinking of someone, I’ll send them a message. I’ll say hi or let them know—because sometimes we can think about people and it passes and you never actually connect. It’s a very low lift—certainly not as much as picking up the phone and making a call. One thing I’ve started doing recently that I’d never done before is leaving voice memos, because sometimes just hearing people’s voices can convey so much more than just a few words.”
“When there’s something important in people’s lives, I will go out of my way to be there for it. Sometimes it’s incredibly inconvenient, but it's important to be there, to show up. Every time I do show up, I’m glad I did. Because I often end up having a conversation with someone I didn’t expect to. And it might be someone who is either a complete stranger or even someone I barely know, but the connection not only sparks a new familiar face that can lead to other conversations down the road, but also helps me recognize what incredible people I’m working with or are in my neighborhood, that you sometimes take for granted.
“People are opting for convenience, which often takes you away from other people. And so opting for in-person when possible, whether that is the in-person meeting or actually going to the grocery store instead of ordering online, or going out to a restaurant instead of ordering [a meal] online, going out into your community.
“In my Social Connection in America project, we see that the majority of Americans are disconnected—they rarely get together in person with people who matter to them. I also did a study with Eventbrite looking at different types of events that create connection, and what we found is that in-person is better than virtual. We have new data coming in our Social Connection in America 2026 report showing that most Americans report that interacting virtually doesn't satisfy their social needs at the same level as interacting in person.”
“As a professor, I start every class with what I call a connection moment. Every day we take two minutes—I literally set a timer—for a different fun prompt each day. Even in my meetings, I'll try to start with something similar, where we have a moment to connect as humans before we get into the business of what we need to do.
“It helps us get to know each other and create a safe, trustworthy environment so learning can happen better—where students feel more comfortable participating in class and feel a greater sense of belonging and motivation to participate. In meetings, it can also defuse what might be a potential tension over difficult decisions, because now you can see the shared humanity that we have. There's less ‘my position’ in it. You recognize that we’re in this together.”
“We have evidence that participation in groups is associated not only with better health outcomes, but there’s even the work of [ political scientist and author ] Bob Putnam on how it influences democracy. When we think about groups, the mechanisms can be exposure to different types of people in different settings, but also the fact that groups often have a regular cadence—weekly worship attendance, a daily fitness class, your monthly book club—and a consistency in who's participating.”
“When we do small acts of kindness or service or support for others, or just even showing up for a friend, that can not only give us a sense of purpose and meaning, but also can serve to strengthen those bonds with that person. We know that closeness or intimacy in a relationship is often reciprocal. And so, as we give, others are more likely to give in return, and that reciprocation can often build that closeness and intimacy in a relationship.”
“We asked people to do small acts of kindness for their neighbors, and what we found was that this significantly reduced loneliness. What's so fascinating is that presumably the person on the receiving end benefited too, although we don't know—we only measured the person providing the act of kindness. This is consistent with several other studies showing that, as the old saying goes, it's better to give than to receive. We actually show measurable benefits when we're providing help and support and service to others. And in some cases, that is equivalent or even stronger than actually receiving any help ourselves.”
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